“Harboring unforgiveness is probably one of the most dangerous heart conditions we can have because the Bible tells us very plainly that if we will not forgive other people, then God cannot forgive us. If we do not forgive others, our faith will not work. And everything that comes God comes by faith. If our faith doesn’t work, we are in serious trouble.” –Joyce Meyer.
Easier said than done.
We are so prone to wanting things our way that we are often blinded by truth. Truth that as humans, we make mistakes, we hurt other people, we betray, we MESS UP. I must say that forgiveness is one of those actions that are developed through practice. It starts out when we are young. Someone in class takes away our toy, and accidentally breaks it—we must choose: Do we yell and cry and call them bad names, or do we forgive them. A kid at our high school starts a rumor about us—do we start one about them, or do we forgive them and move on. Someone cuts us off on the highway—do we yell and scream and try and do the same, or do we have patience and forgive them. Now I must admit, when it comes to driving… I have a HARD time forgiving people. They might as well just not get on the road because I will always be able to pick out SOMETHING they are doing wrong.
I say this because it is true. Forgiveness is not the easy thing to do. If it was, there would be a lot less bitterness in this world. When someone wrongs you—you want revenge. You want that person to feel the pain you feel or felt.
I am going to get very honest and share with you something that has hardened my heart for quite some time. It is not something that came and went, in fact… it is something I am just now beginning to let go. I am learning how to forgive.I always dreamed that my engagement would be an incredibly happy and exciting time in my life. I longed for the attention, for the comments, calls, and encouragement. I imagined my girlfriends lined up to see the ring, everyone asking questions and letting me have just this one moment in the spotlight. I would be the princess, even for just a few moments. After all, every girl dreams of finding the love of her life and sharing it with the world. Why would my situation be any different?
Well, that’s where my story begins.
I got engaged the night of 9/5/08. It was a sweet evening. My fiancé John did an amazing job, and I truly felt like a princess. He did everything right, and I’m pretty sure I saw tears in his eyes when he got down on his knee and asked me to spend the rest of my life with him. It was everything I had always dreamed of. I thought… surely no one would ever want to steal this away from me. But, I would soon feel a lot different.
I planned on being swarmed at church the following Sunday. I was even a little nervous, but oh so excited. We got there early to practice—so far, nothing was said. People started arriving… a few oh hey congrats here and there but, not at all what I expected. I felt a lump in my throat the size of an golf ball. I fought to hold back tears all morning.
Where was my moment?
Why did no one seem to know what had happened?
Where was the line of girls waiting to see my ring?
I felt like I was in a different world… like maybe I wasn’t actually there. For some people… it took weeks before they even mentioned anything about my engagement… For others, nothing was ever said. It was as if the engagement was a fluke. Yeah, my family was supportive; people from other parts of the church encouraged me, my work family was there. But, not the people I wanted to hear from the most. People I had considered close, now seemed so distant. My heart was so hardened. I felt betrayed. I felt wronged. I felt bitter.
The truth is… I’ve felt that way for months. I’ve hidden it away in my heart. I’ve allowed it to cover up the forgiving part of my heart. I felt like my engagement had been stolen away from me. That people who I expected to care, whether they knew it or not, robbed me of the encouragement I so desperately needed. After all, that was always my dream. To be the princess, even for just a few moments. As time went on, I could think of nothing more than the grudge I so wanted to hold against anyone who messed up my moment.
I began to find myself jealous of girls getting engaged and watching them experience something completley different. I read as girls from high school got pages and pages of comments. I watched people swarm women I know with excitement. The same girls and guys that walked past me. My heart would break over and over again. It became overwhelming. It became something I wanted so much to escape. I was jealous. I was bitter. I AM recovering.
Over the last few weeks I’ve realized how much this bitterness has hurt me. It has taken away so much of what I was before it. I allowed people to alter my mood, to harden my heart, and essentially: hurt me. Thankfully, outside of that, my engagement has been wonderful. I’ve tried to ignore the hurt and focus on the good things. Like my amazing fiancé, planning a wedding, my few real friends who WHERE there for me, and continue to be. But still, something wasn't right. Some awful, dark, evil thing was lurching inside me.
Now that I have pinpointed a problem, I am in the process of fixing it. I am in the process of learning how to forgive those who took a part of something amazing away from me. I am telling satan loud and clear, that he no longer can hold this over my head. I am allowing Jesus to mend my hardened heart.
For those of you who made my engagement something special, thank you.
You mean more to me than you know. And I am thankful for you.
John, thank you for all that you do, for your constant encouragement, and your love.
Michelle, thank you. You know what for.
I guess the best verse to sum up what I feel I must do is this:“Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” Ephesians 4:32
After all, Christ forgave my sins and saved my life. Not to mention the countless times he has forgiven my foolishness. The least I could do is do unto others what he has done to me.
This note is not in any way meant to guilt anyone. It is my confession. And a note of hope for anyone holding on to something they need to LET GO...
“Jesus taught us that we are to forgive those who hurt us, pray for those who despitefully use us, and bless those who curse us. That is hard. But there is something harder—being full of hatred, bitterness, and resentment. Don’t spend your life hating someone who is probably out having a good time while you are all upset.” –Joyce Meyer
