I belong to you... alone.

I recently sang this song at my home church. I was asked at rehearsal that week if I would speak before the song. It’s always been funny to me how nervous I get when I have to talk. I can sing in front of hundreds of people, but if I have to talk I get so nervous!! But, not wanting to seem nerved, I gladly said yes! All week I prayed about it, thought of what I wanted to say, and tried to calm my nerves. Every once in a while I would forget about the coming Sunday and then bam! It would come back to my mind and my stomach would get queezy. I would tell myself it was okay, and then close my eyes and pray.

Then, for once, I wasn’t searching for words… they were pouring out! Now I just didn’t know which story to use, what lesson I learned, or what my heart was screaming out every time I heard the song. I decided that God was going to show me what I needed to say, and that I no longer needed to stress! This worked for the most part but, being a perfectionist when it comes to my music and ministry, it wasn’t always easy! Finally Sunday came. I was excited… nervous…anxious…happy… worried… It was a very confusing emotional morning!! :)

Back stage, I practiced what I was going to say—and I started to cry! "No, no, no, Ashley" I thought. You can’t CRY in front of hundreds of people. You can’t let them get that close!!! But then, it was as if Jesus came down and wrapped his arms around me. I felt him hold me. I heard him whisper in my ear “Share your heart my child. Let them see your heart!” All of the sudden I was no longer worried. I went out on stage sang a few songs and when it came time for my song, I felt complete peace.

I told them what I learned. I told them what was in my heart. It went something like this:

I absolutely love this song. It’s like singing the ultimate love song for Christ.
I shared a line from a TV show I had recently heard; Feeling inadequate has a universal zip code. It had been on my mind all week. I went on to say that despite what the world thinks, we are not called to be perfect. Perfection is not possible. Jesus loves us even when we fail. We live in a world where women are not beautiful unless they are size 2. We are told we must “change” who we are by “fixing ourselves.” We get our hair done, cake make-up on to hide our face, we get plastic surgery, and diet constantly. We live in a world where we must be strong, and never let them see us cry! For men, we live in world where being a man means never having feelings. Your worth is measured by how much money you make. And if you’re not financial banking, you’re not doing anything right. It’s NO WONDER that we feel so inadequate. It’s no wonder we hide. But, there is someone who loves us no matter how much we don’t measure up to the world’s standards. There is someone who finds us beautiful ALWAYS. Someone that doesn't care how much money we make. Someone that we can trust, and we belong to him. Nothing in this world can take that away. Not hunger. Not hardships. Not weakness, or faliure. Nothing can take his love away.

We do not belong to this world. We are called to live in it, but not to be of it.
We belong to Jesus. I belong to Jesus.

I cried.
I would not trade that moment for anything.
God gave me a word to share, and I shared it.


I belong to you
I belong to you
Nothing can take me from your great love
Forever this truth remains.

Learning to forgive...

“Harboring unforgiveness is probably one of the most dangerous heart conditions we can have because the Bible tells us very plainly that if we will not forgive other people, then God cannot forgive us. If we do not forgive others, our faith will not work. And everything that comes God comes by faith. If our faith doesn’t work, we are in serious trouble.” –Joyce Meyer.

Easier said than done.

We are so prone to wanting things our way that we are often blinded by truth. Truth that as humans, we make mistakes, we hurt other people, we betray, we MESS UP. I must say that forgiveness is one of those actions that are developed through practice. It starts out when we are young. Someone in class takes away our toy, and accidentally breaks it—we must choose: Do we yell and cry and call them bad names, or do we forgive them. A kid at our high school starts a rumor about us—do we start one about them, or do we forgive them and move on. Someone cuts us off on the highway—do we yell and scream and try and do the same, or do we have patience and forgive them. Now I must admit, when it comes to driving… I have a HARD time forgiving people. They might as well just not get on the road because I will always be able to pick out SOMETHING they are doing wrong.

I say this because it is true. Forgiveness is not the easy thing to do. If it was, there would be a lot less bitterness in this world. When someone wrongs you—you want revenge. You want that person to feel the pain you feel or felt.

I am going to get very honest and share with you something that has hardened my heart for quite some time. It is not something that came and went, in fact… it is something I am just now beginning to let go. I am learning how to forgive.I always dreamed that my engagement would be an incredibly happy and exciting time in my life. I longed for the attention, for the comments, calls, and encouragement. I imagined my girlfriends lined up to see the ring, everyone asking questions and letting me have just this one moment in the spotlight. I would be the princess, even for just a few moments. After all, every girl dreams of finding the love of her life and sharing it with the world. Why would my situation be any different?

Well, that’s where my story begins.

I got engaged the night of 9/5/08. It was a sweet evening. My fiancé John did an amazing job, and I truly felt like a princess. He did everything right, and I’m pretty sure I saw tears in his eyes when he got down on his knee and asked me to spend the rest of my life with him. It was everything I had always dreamed of. I thought… surely no one would ever want to steal this away from me. But, I would soon feel a lot different.

I planned on being swarmed at church the following Sunday. I was even a little nervous, but oh so excited. We got there early to practice—so far, nothing was said. People started arriving… a few oh hey congrats here and there but, not at all what I expected. I felt a lump in my throat the size of an golf ball. I fought to hold back tears all morning.

Where was my moment?

Why did no one seem to know what had happened?

Where was the line of girls waiting to see my ring?

I felt like I was in a different world… like maybe I wasn’t actually there. For some people… it took weeks before they even mentioned anything about my engagement… For others, nothing was ever said. It was as if the engagement was a fluke. Yeah, my family was supportive; people from other parts of the church encouraged me, my work family was there. But, not the people I wanted to hear from the most. People I had considered close, now seemed so distant. My heart was so hardened. I felt betrayed. I felt wronged. I felt bitter.

The truth is… I’ve felt that way for months. I’ve hidden it away in my heart. I’ve allowed it to cover up the forgiving part of my heart. I felt like my engagement had been stolen away from me. That people who I expected to care, whether they knew it or not, robbed me of the encouragement I so desperately needed. After all, that was always my dream. To be the princess, even for just a few moments. As time went on, I could think of nothing more than the grudge I so wanted to hold against anyone who messed up my moment.

I began to find myself jealous of girls getting engaged and watching them experience something completley different. I read as girls from high school got pages and pages of comments. I watched people swarm women I know with excitement. The same girls and guys that walked past me. My heart would break over and over again. It became overwhelming. It became something I wanted so much to escape. I was jealous. I was bitter. I AM recovering.

Over the last few weeks I’ve realized how much this bitterness has hurt me. It has taken away so much of what I was before it. I allowed people to alter my mood, to harden my heart, and essentially: hurt me. Thankfully, outside of that, my engagement has been wonderful. I’ve tried to ignore the hurt and focus on the good things. Like my amazing fiancé, planning a wedding, my few real friends who WHERE there for me, and continue to be. But still, something wasn't right. Some awful, dark, evil thing was lurching inside me.

Now that I have pinpointed a problem, I am in the process of fixing it. I am in the process of learning how to forgive those who took a part of something amazing away from me. I am telling satan loud and clear, that he no longer can hold this over my head. I am allowing Jesus to mend my hardened heart.

For those of you who made my engagement something special, thank you.

You mean more to me than you know. And I am thankful for you.

John, thank you for all that you do, for your constant encouragement, and your love.

Michelle, thank you. You know what for.

I guess the best verse to sum up what I feel I must do is this:“Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” Ephesians 4:32

After all, Christ forgave my sins and saved my life. Not to mention the countless times he has forgiven my foolishness. The least I could do is do unto others what he has done to me.

This note is not in any way meant to guilt anyone. It is my confession. And a note of hope for anyone holding on to something they need to LET GO...

“Jesus taught us that we are to forgive those who hurt us, pray for those who despitefully use us, and bless those who curse us. That is hard. But there is something harder—being full of hatred, bitterness, and resentment. Don’t spend your life hating someone who is probably out having a good time while you are all upset.” –Joyce Meyer

I made HER...

I made her…she is different.She’s unique.

With love I formed her in her mother’s womb.

I fashioned her with great joy.I remember,

with great pleasure, the day I created her.

(Psalm 139:13-16)

I love her smile.I love her ways.I love to hear her laugh.

And the silly things she says and does.She brings me great pleasure.

This is how I made her.

(Psalm 139:17)

I made her pretty and not beautiful, Because I knew her heart,

And I knew she would be vain…I wanted her to search out her heart,

And the learn that it would be ME in her that would make her beautiful…

And it would be ME in her that would draw friends to her.

(1 Peter 3:3-5)

I made her in such a way, That she would need me.

I made her a little more lonesome than she would like to be…

Only because I need for her to learn and depend on me….

I know her heart,

I know if I had not made her like this

she would go on her own chosen way and forget me…Her Creator.

(Psalm 62:5-8)

I have given her many good and happy things…

Because I love her.

(Psalm 84:11, Romans 8:23)

Because I love her, I have seen her broken heart…

And the tears she cried alone.I have cried with her,

And had a broken heart, too.

(Psalm 56:8)

Many time she has stumbled and fallen alone.

Only because she would not hold My Hand.

So many lessons she’s learned the hard way

because she would not listen to My voice…

(Isaiah 53:6)

So many times I have set back

and sadly watched her go her merry way alone,

Only to watch her return to My arms,

sad and broken.

(Isaiah 62:2)

And now she is mine again…I made her, and then bought her…

Because I love her.

(Romans 5:8)

I have to reshape and remold her…

To renew her to what I had planned for her to be.

It has not been easy for her or for me.

(Jeremiah 29:11)

I want her to be conformed to My image…

This high goal I have set for her...

Because I love her.

(II Corinthians 2:14)

Deserve this...deserve that...

“…he does not treat us as our sins deserve or repay us according to our iniquities.”

Today I find myself asking;
“What did I do to deserve all that I have?”

The truth is none of us deserve anything we have been given. I think Psalm 103 puts it best…

“The Lord works righteousness and justice for all the oppressed. He made known his ways to Moses, his deed to the people of Israel: The Lord is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love. He will not always accuse, nor will he harbor his anger forever; he does not treat us as our sins DESERVE or repay us according to our iniquities. For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his love for those who fear him; as far as the east is from the west, so far he removed our transgressions from us.”

If God were to decide one day; I’m going to give every person what he or she DESERVES! Think about the effect that decision would have on your own life. Wow! We are given so much grace! If God were to give me what I deserved… I would be the lowliest creature to walk the earth!! People throw the word deserve out pretty often. Statements like: “I deserve your respect.” Or “He just… doesn’t give me what I deserve.” And “She deserved it!” Who are we to decide what we deserve? Who are we to condemn others by telling them what they deserve??

The truth of the matter is—we ALL deserve death. Romans 3:23 reminds us: “for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.” Thankfully it doesn’t end there… but we’ll come back to that. Turn a page to Romans 5:12 “Therefore, just as sin entered the world through one man, and death through sin, and in this way death came to all men, because all sinned—for before the law was given, sin was in the world.” Sin condemns us to death long before we even have a say about the matter. We are sinners living in a sinful world. No one can deny that. Yes? Yes.

It would be quite sad if the story ended there.
But it doesn’t.

The second part of Romans 3:23 says: …and are JUSTIFIED freely by his GRACE through the redemption that came by Jesus Christ.” Our sins… our wickedness… our failures… justified. And by what? His GRACE. I don’t know about you… but I constantly have to work on my “giving of grace”. When people wrong me—giving them grace is the last thing on my list! That seems a little unfair in my mind. I mess up- God gives me grace, forgives me, and accepts me as I am. Someone does me wrong… and what do I do? Everything BUT. I’m sure I speak for a lot of people when I say; we could all stand to learn a little more about giving grace.

I believe with everything in me that my life is a testament of God’s grace. Like I said… if I was given what I deserved… I would be barely scrapping by.

I don’t deserve my family—but God gave me an incredible one; full of love, laughter, and safety. They accept and love me just the way I am. And... they keep me pretty entertained.

I don’t deserve to sing in front of hundreds of people every week. Singing is my spiritual gift. God gave it to me, and it is only by his grace that I am given opportunities to use it. And lord knows… when it’s NOT about him, and I make it about ME—It’s never as sweet as when I surrender and let him take the wheel. I want to thank him for the oppurtunity, by GIVING IT TO HIM!

I don’t deserve friends. Truth is… I’ve struggled with having friends that were girls for a long time. I’ve never gotten along with them… didn’t understand them…etc. I guess that’s what I get for growing up with a house full of boys! Yet, but by God’s grace—I have godly girls in my life. It may only be a small handful, but I think he knew just how many girls I could handle!!! :) And they are wonderful. Life is so much easier with sweet girls to confide in!

I don’t deserve my fiancée. John is 100% everything I have ever dreamed of having and MORE. He has completely turned my world upside down. If you took a picture of my life a year ago today and compared it to today, you wouldn’t recognize me. I could write a novel about how much he means to me, so I’ll keep it short. The fact of the matter is, I don’t deserve anything that he does from me. He is truly a gift from God, and GOD is the only reason we are together today. I’ve known John for over 2 years now… and I would have never in my wildest dreams imagined us being where we are today. And I thank God for it, because he did it! Not us. Him.

But above all else, I don’t deserve Grace. But it is given freely anyway. God’s grace comes pouring down on me every day. If that is not a blessed life—I don’t know what is!

“If we have been united with him like this in his death, we will certainly also be united with him in his resurrection. For we know that our old self was crucified with him so that the body of sin might be done away with, that we should no longer be slaves to sin-- because anyone who has died has been FREED from SIN.” Romans 6:5-7

WE ARE MADE ALIVE IN CHRIST!!!
"But because of his great love for us, God, who is RICH IN MERCY, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions-- It is by GRACE that you have be saved."-
Ephesians 2:4-5

I am so thankful...
“…he does not treat us as our sins deserve or repay us according to our iniquities.”

We're Engaged!!

My best friend of two years asked me to be his wife Septemeber 5, 2008. Now the life of wedding planning begins. I am so in love with him. He is my everything. We are so excited and thankful for all the support!!

How John proposed...

He took me to Del Frisco’s in Fort Worth. (By far the fanciest restaurant this girl has ever been to!) We sat in the “best spot in the house.” :) (The food was incredible, and the service was perfect!) He had my present wrapped all pretty sitting in the corner of his side of the table. I wasn’t allowed to open it till the END of the meal?? It was so hard… it kept calling my name!! FINALLY the end of the meal came and he let me open it… It was a scrapbook. When I opened it the first slot had the first picture we ever took together back in 2006. As I turned the pages I found every picture we’ve EVER taken together over the last 2 years! (All 93 pictures!) When I got to the end of the pictures there was a note that said STOP. Read me. (Sample of the note… “You are my world. Without you, I’d be lost. I am so in love with you. I can’t get enough of you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you…” :)) At the bottom it said… Now, keep turning pages…

I turned two more pages and there was a little black sleeve tucked in the slot. I opened it and saw a ring. I immediately closed it, put it on the table, and put my hand over my mouth. John then got out of his seat, came over, and got on one knee. He said… “I’m going to need you to take the ring out…” and I said…”you’re going to have to do it for me.” My hands were shaking SO BAD!! He got the ring out and placed it on my shaking finger.

He did SUCH a good job. I am one blessed girl. He is my best friend, my soulmate, and now my fiancee! I love him so much!!

My Top 5's...

5 movies:
-Tommy Boy
-Tombstone
-Good Will Hunting
-Ace Ventura
-The Dark Knight

5 baby names:
Sorry, don't want to share them :)
you might want them too!!!

5 foods:
-Mac and cheese
-Anything Mexican
-Bare naked granola mix
-pizza
-cheesecake

5 positive influences:
-Jesus Christ (Bible.)
-John
-My dad & Mom
-James & Michelle.
-Mr. & Mrs. Cooper

I know that's more than 5 :)
I just couldn't choose!

5 life changing moments:
-When I asked Jesus in my heart
-When I got baptized
-When we first started attending Fielder
-Weekend with the college group (big moment for me.)
-When I fell in love with John Evans

5 places I want to go:
-back to Colorado
-Virgina to meet all Johns friends
-Australia
-Africa
-Heaven

5 appliances or kitchen tools I couldn’t live without:
-Blow Dryer
-Straightner
-Microwave
-Fan
-Stove

5 things I almost always have with me:
-Cell phone
-Gum
-Wallet/keys
-Camera
-My minty chapstick

5 women I look up to:
(REAL hard to narrow it down, btw!)
-Mom
-Pat Cooper
-Michelle Myers
-Jagee Melton
-My Great Grandmother

My 5 guys:
-JOHN
-Daddy
-Trey
-Zach
-Timothy

5 Books:
-Bible
-The Shack
-For Women Only
-Captivating
-and anything by Frank Peretti

5 Things I want to be:
-A strong Christian women who loves and fears God
-Mrs. Evans (the wife!)
-Mommy
-Mrs. Evans (the teacher)
-A daughter to be proud of.
(by not only my mom and dad, but of my heavenly father as well.)