Imperfection, is not a sin.

Along with many other things, the title of this note can pretty much sum up what I learned this weekend. I went to my college retreat in complete expectance to encounter God. I looked forward to it for weeks before because I knew in my heart that something inside of me desperately needed it. As it turns out, I was right. An emotional weekend full of crying and praying has left me with such a stronger understanding of where I am... and where I want to be. Long talks with Michelle have given me so much more strength to carry on than I have ever had. Many people do not know or understand my problem. However, many more do. If I were to say that I have self esteem issues or "body image problems" most people would rolls their eyes and say, "who doesn't?" or... look down upon it as if it were something I could control easily. The fact of the matter is that my problem and issue that I seem to have developed over the years is... a temptation, and it is a sort of disease. An analogy that Michelle used this weekend to sort of put it into perspective is this: If 300 people lined up and each one of them handed me a drink, and tried to get me to drink it, I would say no thanks to every single person. If 300 people one by one handed me a cigarette... same deal, no thank you... next person. But if someone handed me a magazine with a beautiful girl on it... it does something to my mind that makes me feel like a failure. You see... temptation is something that everyone has to deal with. It's a part of life... Even Jesus was tempted by Satan. Unfortunately, Jesus did a much better job than I. Satan knows exactly where to get me. He knows the parts of my life that are rocky, the places that my mind takes me when I feel down about myself, and he knows how to twist the image of myself to where I can no longer see Gods beautiful creation. All I see is a mistake.

I was told by a few people this weekend that I was no longer allowed to see what I think in the mirror. That I was no longer allowed to see my faults, but the beauty that God gave me because, he made me. I was told to look in the mirror and see what God sees, what my parents see, and what they see. I think for most people, especially for men, it is really hard to understand why this type of thing would be a problem. It becomes almost impossible for them to relate to the deep dark feelings that can be felt. I think most people, if not all, CAN relate to feeling awkward, at times, in their own bodies… or even uncomfortable with how they look. But I think it becomes a deeper problem when you can longer even see the truth in the mirror. When what the world sees when they look at you... is completely lost in translation.

I have been singing in church for almost 10 years now. I have been on the stage, in front of people since before I even really understood the position I was in. Week in and week out I am in the spotlight… literally. I came to realize this weekend, something that I have always known…but have hid from, that my calling is to sing for the Lord. That the gifts he gave me were not just given for fun, but for a purpose. I believe with everything in me that Satan is trying SO HARD to keep me from that calling by whispering in my ear over, and over, and over again that I am not good enough. That I will never be accepted, and that if I jump, I will fall. I believe that the “syndrome” or disease… whatever this thing I have with PCOS was given to me, yes…given, to make me stronger. Why else would God allow a PHYSICAL disease to be given to a girl who struggles with herself, PHYSICALLY? It could have one of two effects… I could overcome it, trust that God has got it under control, and go for it. Or, I could tell myself that it is too big of a stumbling block. I refuse to allow Satan to have a foothold on my life. I am so tired of feeling like I’m not good enough. I need prayer, but more than all of it-I need to have enough faith in my creator to not be so afraid to jump.

This weekend I had the exciting experience of going off of a zip-line. I had never jumped off a high place before… and for a few moments before I did, I was pretty nervous. But, I did it… and it felt amazing to just let go.

Let go of my fear
Let go of my uncertainty
And Let go of Satan’s voice telling me I couldn’t do it.

I have been blessed to the fullest with people in my life that are constantly encouraging me. They keep me together and they never let me go. If I have been that blessed by people... how much more has God, my heavenly father, blessed me? I do not think I could even calculate it. Before I end this note I want to share a verse that I had in my life seen before until this weekend.

Psalm 45:11"The king is enthralled by your beauty, honor him, for he is your Lord."

Enthralled: completely fascinated and giving total attention to somethingSynonyms: absorbed, captivated, caught up, consumed, deep, diligent, engaged, fascinated, hooked, hung up, immersed, submerged.

I don't know about you... but no one has EVER expressed that kind of love... and amazement toward me. That verse made me get a feeling inside like I have never felt. That the Lord is captivated by ME.

Wow... what more could I need?
imperfection...is not a sin. It is a part of life.